Feeling better, with her telephone number in my pocket, I went home, back to the hurly burly of a house with four young children in it, and not sure what the evening would be like. During that time I looked forward to the evenings when Rob was at band practice so that I could meditate. On the other nights, I put music on and just danced as if my life depended on it, something I hadn't done since childhood. The dancing lifted me into a kind of euphoria; I felt like I was really free, flying like an eagle through wild and fabulous skies.

I continued at the monthly meditation group, feeling that it gave me a focus, a rhythm to life. In a circle,the energetic experience felt stronger. I learned to "feel spirit" as a tingling in my limbs or as a breath on my face. At each meeting Shanti, as she called herself, would channel words from spirit. I had not experienced it first hand before but, on trips to Glastonbury I had seen ad's for Angel Channellings, and I had read books on the subject. While new and intriguing, it was not a completely alien concept. I also 'phoned her a few times, and she would meditate on my questions and phone me back. During one of these calls I mentioned that Rob had now had a vasectomy, removing, at least, the threat of another pregnancy. She seemed a little flustered at the news, and said she needed to meditate some more and would call me back. Later in the day, as promised, she contacted me, saying that it had been revealed to her that I would find no "nourishment" if I was unable to "receive living seed." She went on to explain that she was also a teacher of tantra as a path to Enlightenment. I didn't know very much about tantra; I was aware of the practice of tantric yoga, and it's popularity in the popular press, thanks mainly to Sting. "He can no longer fulfil your spirit. Someone will need to be found who can lift you." I wasn't really sure that I wanted to work in tantra, but I continued to go to the group, as I was making friends there and enjoying the process of learning to meditate and contact spirit, listening with interest to the channellings.

Normally the words were for each individual within the group, offering strength and comfort in their home lives. Mine continued to deteriorate. When I went out I often came home to find Rob the worse for drink, his lips stained red with wine or, as on one Sunday afternoon when I had been at a craft fair with a friend, turquoize from half a bottle of blue curacao. A couple of times he disappeared for days at a time, which the children found confusing but life was, at least, calm. Eventually, for a rest, I went to stay with my parents, leaving him to take care of the little ones. However, seeing a failing marriage as a fault,I had never talked about how life was going. I was loyal to him and they were unaware of his binges and disappearances so, as a consequences they were as bewildered as the children were and I felt obliged to return home. I always appeared to be coping, appeared to be strong and, although I was at my wits end, I sensed they just wanted me to go home and work at it.

While I was away he found Shanti's card and, rightly assuming that she was offering support, he telephoned. He was disgruntled that all she would tell him was that I was a free spirit who needed some space, and that she was unableto counsel us both. After some discussion, we decided to separate. He would ask his father if he could stay with him, leaving me at home with the children. The agreement, once reached, seemed to take some time to implement but, for me, I could see some light at the end of the tunnel until Shanti read out words that she had been given during the day of that month's meeting, saying that the group would now close, and she would be holding Tantra workshops instead. I still wasn't sure this was what I wanted and, having gone from having an unsuitable partner to no partner at all, wasn't sure that I would qualify, anyway.

Several group members felt let down, having grown to depend on it to punctuate some very sad lives with moments of peace and serenity. A heated debate ensued, causing the sensitive Shanti to be overcome by what I can only describe as "the Vapours!" I had started to take a friend to the group and, on the drive home he vented pure anger, feeling completely adrift from something that he had felt secure with. From that day to this, to my knowledge, he has rejected all things spiritual. I was surprised, I must admit, that this woman who had seemed happy with her "Guru" status had swept a roomful of people aside, suddenly and without warning, and then seemed shocked at their adverse reactions.

Rob still made no attempt to leave. Communication between us was curt, and we seemed to alternate our evenings out. He went away on a work conference and I almost prayed that he would meet someone who he could fall for, someone who could make him happy. I began a part-time job in the town's hippie shop, where I was in my element, selling insence and crystals to the local Bohemians. One of these was David, from the band. We arranged to meet for a drink. Throughout the day I had butterflies in my stomach, someting I had not felt since I was a teenager, and I realised that this meant more than my normal platonic friendships. Howver, I needed Rob to babysit. This particular night he was 2 hours late, without a call, without an apology. I expected to arrive at the pub to find David gone already but, as I drove around the corner I could see him, sitting on a picnic table outside, waiting patiently. He smiled and waved, and ran down to the car. I smiled until my cheeks ached.
"I thought you'd have gone!" I told him.
"I knew you were coming," he replied.

As the night went on I realised that, although Rob had said he would be leaving, he had not and I was, technically on the brink of an affair, something I just couldn't do. Conditioned with the happy-ever-after view of life, something as sordid as that was not for me. David was keen to see me at the weekend but I needed one door to close properly before I could open another, so I told him I would phone him. We did, however, share a kiss and I knew that this man and I had a deep and profound connection. On my return, Rob was awake, his eyes colder than ever. I asked him if he had asked his Dad if he could stay, but he still had not. I explained that I could no longer carry on like this, that I felt we had to move on once and for all.
I don't know if he had just kept his head in the sand, hoping that it would all blow over, but he was angrier than I had ever seen him. In the black of the night he disappeared, off on another of his trips away. Peace surrounded the house once more. At least, for a little while.